Just another…
Waiting in the rain for a sign from above
For a signal to come, for a light that will drive
All my fears away and I hear you say
That you're going away and it's forever
Watching you say goodbye
Left clutching desperation like a hole in the sky
My belief is gone with the coming of dawn
Now I stand here waiting...
Now - bitter and alone
For determination that this transformation
Has given me something of my own
Forced and distorted my imagination
The one-time vision is returned
It's corrupted me and my soul is taken
Resplendent in the glory of God
Well why do I feel like I've been forsaken?
I figured it was tried and true
But now I tried and I'm through
Well that ain't sayin' nuthin' new
It's just another mystery of shame
When you throw it all away
Just to see what remains
No matter how I try, I still wake up me
With the same illusions and the same old dreams
So seal my fate with a wave of your hand
Let the righteous prevail and the rest be...
Just another casualty - just another victim
Just another product - another damaged system
Just another memory - just another cage
Just another wasteland - melt and disengage
Just another profile - just another failure
Just another promise - another ruined saviour
Just another sacrifice - just another day
Just another fantasy - let it slip away
Tax Time!
Fuck the IRS fuck Federal form 1040 Schedule A fuck taxes fuck all of this convoluted bureaucratic nonsense that is fucking as incomprehensible as it fucking can be cause otherwise it would be fucking illegal...fuck fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck!
Ok, I'm feeling better now.
It’s all partisan bullshit
I feel like writing about politics, but the only big news is, of course, the stimulus package. I am not an economist. Most people are not economists. What I believe this means is that despite all the words being spent on the topic, most of the people talking about it don't know what the hell they are talking about. If I started talking about it, I would not know what I am talking about. However, I do know people, and I know irritation, so instead I will rant. About people. People that irritate me.
First, conservatives: let's just admit that you are a hypocrites. If the economy had been tanking on the level it is right now at the end of 2000 into 2001, you would have been screaming for Bill Clinton's blood. And if Bush had come in to office and proposed an enormous stimulus package, most of you who are so outraged right now would be hailing it as a brilliant and necessary piece of legislation. Case in point, the $700B bailout at the end of his administration. Sure, a small handful of Republicans were against it, but not many. Maybe after seven years and nine months of fucking up everything he did, it just didn't seem like a big deal anymore. I don't know. Either way for the most part he got a pass on it.
People who support it, mostly liberals (who I count myself among to an extent, promise): ditto. Were it Bush's proposal you would be outraged and demanding it be stopped at all costs. Which would fail, because you would be relying on the Democrats in Congress to stop it, and we all know they were worthless when it came to standing up against Bush. Of course in Bush's version a quarter of the bill would be contracts for Halliburton, but I digress.
What is the truth? As usual, it probably lies somewhere in between. Something does need to be done, and conservatives who are still saying, "Hey, I have a novel idea! TAX CUTS!" need to be beaten. Severely. Look around. See where we are? Look behind you. See how we got here? Eight years of fucking deregulation and tax cuts. Stop it. Say what you will about Clinton, at least he understood that you couldn't cut taxes and simultaneously raise spending. He did do plenty of things I object to while in office, but he wasn't stupid, and he balanced the budget. I think it's funny that the conservatives love to vilify him, yet he was actually more fiscally responsible than Bush.
I don't have much of an opinion on it. I have not read very much of it, and I do not know if it will work (neither do you, see paragraph one). I have my doubts, but at this point I have my doubts about anything the government tells me. Even so, I am not completely cynical, and I still have my hopes. And even though I am doing okay right now, a lot of people aren't. Like everyone should (fuck you Rush Limbaugh), I hope this can salvage things. Not much else we can do but hope, and hope that it is not misplaced.
Your god sent us to destroy
I'm really pissed off right now because of the ongoing saga of upgrading my PC. Although that implies that progress has been made, which is not at all the case. So rather than bitch and moan about the time and money lost to that massive headache, let's talk about bone-crushing, ear-splitting, aggrotech industrial music!
I just picked up the newest Combichrist album, Today We Are All Demons and I must say, I am enjoying it thoroughly. If you're not familiar, Combichrist is the brainchild of one Andy LaPlegua. His previous band was Icon of Coil, and though I see Combichrist referred to as the "side project" I haven't heard much from them lately, and I don't think Icon of Coil ever did signings at Hot Topic. Not meant as an insult, I'm just saying...the side project has taken over.
Combichrist's formula is simple, and it works. Pounding beat, harsh electronics and synths, death metal vocals. Repeat as needed. I don't mean this as a bad thing either. The music is pulse-pounding, rousing, infinitely danceable, and darkly entertaining. For me, the weakest link is in the lyrics. A very subjective topic to be sure, but as much as I enjoy the vocal style, the lyrics do little for me on quite a few songs. But on those tracks I treat them like the samples. They are there to add to the mood of the music, the environment. That's all.
It's a good disc, beginning to end, but where it truly stands out is when the mood changes. A New Form of Silence is almost trance-y, and perfectly placed in the middle of the album's brutality as if the band and the listeners just needed a breather. Sent to Destroy is another stand out track, and a dance floor favorite. The title track is phenomenal, and also presents my biggest gripe. At the End of It All is a good track, but just doesn't feel right as the closer. The titular track really should have....no, needed to be, the ending. It is completely different from the rest of the album, a slow, dark, brooding piece, no growl and all introspection.
Anyone who enjoys their music angry and synthetic, and doesn't put too much stock in lyrical weight will probably find something to like here. And if you're a cheap bastard, you can always "preview" it first. Either way, give it a listen. Seriously.
I made this cause I was bored, like the CD, and needed a new wallpaper. Full size version can be seen over here.
Thank you, President Bush
I happened upon a picture tonight while perusing one of the horrific right-wing sites I read occassionally (because I like being angry, I guess) and thought I should share it.
But then I thought...there are so many other reasons to say thank you to the soon-to-be-former President, so many other people who I think would love to express some gratitude for all he has done for us. And it was then I decided I would help them do just that. So from me, and all people whose lives you have touched over the past eight years, thank you President Bush. What you have done will affect us deeply for years to come, and we will not forget you...no matter how hard we try.
Bella thinks she’s a cat.
Our dog is pretty awesome. The other day I was in the kitchen getting ready for work. I walked in to the living room, because I tend to move nonstop from the time I get up until I leave for the day. Restless, every day. Make what you will of that. So anyway, I wander in to the room, and what do I see? This:
Keep in mind, she is a 50+ pound beagle/hound mix, not a lap dog (despite what she thinks). Now this isn't a completely new sight, as when Kelly and I are on the couch, Bella will sometimes get out of control excited and crawl her way up to the back. But this is the first I had seen her do it just for the hell of it, because it's comfy. So I laugh way too much, grab the camera, shoo her off the wrong spot of the chaise lounge and go about my business. A few minutes later I return to the living room. Maybe you can guess where this is going? You guess it, it's going here:
I laugh again, harder, take more pictures, and shoo her down again. And over the past couple days she continues to do this periodically. Yet she won't sleep on the ottoman in the bedroom, because it doesnt have as much room as our bed. Go figure.
T-Shirt Hell
I came across this site of "Christian" t-shirts today kind of randomly, and it is so bad I felt I had to share it. Even if the slogans weren't for the most part ignorant, devoid of insight and completely unfunny, the actual design work is so shitty it would not matter. Calling it amateurish is an insult to amateur graphics designers everywhere. It's like a someone vomited up bible clip-art on Cafe Press. The site concentrates heavily on "pro-life" propaganda, which is a shame because their site should have been aborted.
I won't even bother with snarky comments on individual t-shirts, or even arguing the overall abortion is murder theme they have going on. I would be here way too long. The reality is I am writing this entire post just to make one observation:
If gluttony is a deadly sin, why are all of their shirts available in sizes up to XXXXXL? Just saying.
And no, I am not exaggerating. 5XL.
Support Our (like-minded) Troops
This is not in any way, shape, or form intended to be an insult to America's military men and women. I am just currently pondering the belief of the neo-conservative Right that we must support our troops, but only so long as they are neo-conservatives themselves and agree with the mindless pundits and profiteers hawking ribbon magnets and other such bullshit. Funny how those magnets never read "Support Our Troops As Long As They Agree With Us".
I was just engaging in some "friendly" debate with a few opposite-minded individuals on an electronic forum (a.k.a. arguing like a moron, with other morons, on the internet) about....well, this that and the other thing. And while looking up some information on the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I found out he is a former Marine. I didn't know that, and was somewhat surprised by this information.
And it got me thinking again about how the Republican/neocon/far-right crowd betray themselves repeatedly with their faux pro-troop stance. They are the ones who shout loudest and longest about supporting the military, yet over and over again they turn on the people who have actually served the country without hesitation. All because these brave men and women, past and present soldiers, have the brazen audacity to not agree with them. And then they have the nerve to accuse the people they are smearing of being the betrayers. They want to support the troops so long as they shut their goddamn mouths and agree with the President* and the second this doesn't happen they just lose their fucking minds. I like to think I am a rather compassionate, empathetic person but I cannot even begin to contort my worldview in such a way that this resembles a reasonable mindset...thank god.
So for your consideration, here is a short segment of a much longer list of people, each with more extensive military experience than Bush, Cheney, Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Coulter, Hannity, Malkin and Beck combined, all of whom have been brutally trashed and smeared by the "pro-troop" right-wingers because they are too anti-war or too pro-Obama or some other asinine reason that you and I cannot comprehend because we aren't really really dumb. If you know of any I am missing (and I know there are many) please let me know.
- Brigadier General Larry Gillespie
- Major General Scott Gration
- Admiral Don Guter
- Lieutenant John Kerry
- Brigadier General David McGinnis
- General Merrill McPeak
- Captain John Murtha
- Admiral John B. Nathman
- General Colin Powell
- Major General Hugh Robinson
- General Eric Shinsecki
- Admiral Robert Williamson
- Major General Ralph Wooten
- Private First Class Jeremiah Wright
*Republican only, because disobeying a Democratic President is, of course, a sign of true Patriotism™ and deserves our utmost respect.
Reflectivity, Two Thousand and Eight
Another year is drawing to a close, and as cliched as it is I feel compelled to somehow reminisce and reflect upon it.
First of all...to any and all who happen to be reading this, happy new year's. I hope your 2008 didn't suck and that your 2009 is even better. I hope dreams come to fruition and goals are attained and all that you are striving for comes to you. Unless it somehow negatively affects me or other people, in which case, that is fucked up and you should hope for better things. Seriously.
As it seems is the norm for me over the past several years, it has been a year of enormous change and upheaval. The two biggest things are starting a new job and buying a house, either one of which would be huge by themselves, but I did both in the same month of the same year. Looking back I wonder if it was the smart choice, but I guess it doesn't matter because it's the choice I made and so far at least, I have survived it.
Owning a house still feels so odd. As of now, it hasn't changed my life really. Other than mortgage being more expensive than rent, it's pretty much the same as the house rental situation I was in a year ago this time. But I feel like I'm holding my breath because I am now responsible for everything alone, and the second something major (or minor for that matter) does fail on me, there is no landlord to call. There is me to fix it if I can and call/pay someone else if I can't. And trust me, I'm pretty sure I can't. So it's all great and good now...but still scary. Our backup funds are limited, and being forced to tap too far and too fast in to them could be disastrous.
On top of all that, it still feels a little weird to have a semi-permanent residence. I have been living what feels like a nomadic life for so long now. I moved out of my parents' house eight years ago, and this is the seventh domicile I have lived in since then. I am accustomed to moving nearly every year, and I don't think it has fully sunk in that this is where I am going to be for an extended period of time.
The job change was even bigger though, at least to me. I had been working remotely for my old company in Chicago since I moved to Delaware. In a lot of ways, quitting there felt like severing my last personal ties to a city that I really had loved living in. Sure, I was miserable much of my time there, and the winters were pure inner circles of Hell on Earth, but all the same I loved so much about being there. The people I met, the places to go, the culture and all the things to do and sights to see, I loved it. I have tried to keep those connections, to maintain those friendships that were so important to me for so long (with varying degrees of success), but it's hard and I feel it's a losing battle sometimes. I think a lot about my friends from Chicago, people like Chris, Rob, Dave F., Rebecca, Sandra, Gisela, Jason, Roy, Joe G., Freddy, Susan, Rich and Sush...I miss them all tons and have not seen any of them in far too long. It sucks and I hate it, but that is life I suppose...one more aspect of life to despise.
So here we are, 22 hours, some odd minutes, and counting until an arbitrary marker, a milestone that really means nothing at all except what we make of it, and still I am nostalgic. And I really do not know if it is legitimate or because it's been impressed upon me for years that I should reminisce and look back upon 12 months of strife and love and pain and joy...but either way here I am. Nothing to gain but remembrance. Nostalgia. Looking back, reflective.
Linus
December 10, 2005
That is a date that will always have a special, terrible significance to me. And here it is again, three years later. December 10 is the day that always will be the day I signed Linus' life over to Chicago Animal Control after two months trying to save him. He died then, either that night or on the 11th. I don't know and I never will, just like everything else about that incident. He bit the dog walker. Why? I don't know. No one does, except maybe her. I know that I tried so hard to stop the inevitable, and it wasn't enough.
Incident...makes it sound like some sort of misunderstanding. A scuffle between friends that was later made up over whiskey and tears and reminiscence.
I still remember the horrible small things. The coppery smell of blood in the apartment the day it happened. I remember sitting with him that night, in tears, saying "don't you know what this means? they're going to try to kill you now," and praying to any god who I thought would listen that I was wrong. I remember how happy he was to be going on a car ride that night he was taken in to city Animal Control, and once we got there, the frightened way he kept looking back as they lead him away when he was surrendered for "quarantine".
And most of all when it was all lost, I remember that drive down to animal control, alone and feeling it more alone than I ever have or will. The lingering thoughts that somehow, the inevitable could be avoided, that I could save him. Even to the point of absurd fantasies of movie hero theatrics, slaughtering cops and those who had lied to me about what his fate would be in a righteous violent fury, shattered glass and bullet casings in slow motion, saving the one thing I had in my life who at that time loved me and trusted me completely, that I had failed to save. He loved me, and he trusted me, and I failed him.
There was no gunfire though, no swirling trench coat as the bad guys fell before me. There was the dry scratch of ballpoint on a release paper and a brief moment to say goodbye. But even that didn't matter, not anymore because he didn't recognize me, and if he did it didn't matter. After two months locked non-stop in a cage, he was dead inside, had given up all hope. If he recognized me, it was with nothing but pain, because I am the one that turned him over to Them. Who subjected him to the living Hell that was about to end finally, mercifully. Then it was a drive home through the snowstorm to drown in a flood of tears, alcohol and regret. And god I hate how self-pitying this all sounds, wallowing in my own sadness, because fuck it at least I am still alive. He didn't get that luxury.
It's been so long now, and I still dwell. I don't know why. I don't know what the point is other than remembrance. But I loved him, and at a time that I felt very alone, he loved me unconditionally. No matter what, he was always so happy to see me, and I knew that I mattered to him. And he mattered so much to me, and I miss him still. So fucking much. Beating myself up for it does no good, and I can't bring him back or change how things played out. But I would give just about anything and everything I have to do just that.
I miss you still, Linus. I loved you and do love you, and I hope that you are somewhere that it doesn't hurt anymore. And I am so sorry, still. I will always be sorry, and I will always love you.
